1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,960 Hey there, welcome to another episode of The Book of Donovan. 2 00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:09,320 I'm going to do something a little different in this episode, and I'm going to actually 3 00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:13,480 attach one, possibly two songs to it. 4 00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:19,980 And before you get your panties in a wad, this is not going to violate any kind of copyright 5 00:00:19,980 --> 00:00:23,680 or anything like that, and I will explain. 6 00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:35,680 First, let me preface all of this by saying that I grew up with, I guess, two distinct tracks in my brain. 7 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:39,660 One, of course, I loved technology. 8 00:00:39,660 --> 00:00:43,940 I wanted anything and everything that had to do with computers. 9 00:00:43,940 --> 00:00:46,880 And you need to understand, remember, I was born in 1970. 10 00:00:47,320 --> 00:01:03,260 So, you know, our our first exposure to much of this would be video games like arcade games and then the Atari 2600, the Intellivision. 11 00:01:03,260 --> 00:01:10,640 You know, there's probably some of you out there that's too young to even realize that, yeah, there were gaming systems before the NES. 12 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:18,720 And we actually had this thing called the video game crash, 81, 82, 83, somewhere in there. 13 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:25,360 And it seemed like for a number of years that video games had gone the way of the Dodo. 14 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:30,000 And, you know, we have to give Nintendo, oh God, I can't believe I'm saying this. 15 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:33,660 We've got to give Nintendo credit because of the NES. 16 00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:37,220 And that kind of rejuvenated the video game industry. 17 00:01:37,220 --> 00:02:04,060 And I, um, I wanted a computer. My original computer was an, an Atom, which was ColecoVision's attempt at creating a computer. And they did this split thing because I had a ColecoVision video game system. And at the time, compared to the Atari 2600, the Intellivision, any of those things that were out, quite honestly, um, the ColecoVision kicked ass. 18 00:02:04,060 --> 00:02:08,940 It just had better graphics, a lot of the same games. 19 00:02:08,940 --> 00:02:17,500 And then when Coleco saw what was happening in the computer, especially the personal home computer sphere, they were like, well, we can do that. 20 00:02:17,500 --> 00:02:20,080 So they created these two versions. 21 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:28,240 They created an add-on to your existing ColecoVision gaming system, and then they made it self-contained. 22 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:31,060 And unfortunately, it was riddled with bugs. 23 00:02:31,060 --> 00:02:32,320 It got delayed. 24 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:33,940 It missed the holiday season. 25 00:02:34,060 --> 00:02:40,960 I think in 82 or 83, somewhere around there, it was a clusterfuck. Now, I actually still have one 26 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:48,600 of those to this day. My dad, somewhere around the late 80s, early 90s, I don't know what possessed 27 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:55,260 him to do this, but there were companies out there that had taken the Atom computer systems 28 00:02:55,260 --> 00:03:02,080 and fixed them, refurbished them, what have you. They actually created external disk drives because 29 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:09,080 the Atom, ColecoVision decided that they were going to use tape, but they called it a digital 30 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:14,900 data pack. And so it was supposed to be a little bit different than your standard cassette tape. 31 00:03:14,900 --> 00:03:18,920 Technically, you could actually use a regular cassette tape and not pay the 32 00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:23,960 exorbitant prices that they were charging for the digital data packs. I'm getting to the point, 33 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:32,060 just bear with me, okay? So anyway, you know, wound up ditching the Atom, got a Commodore 64 34 00:03:32,060 --> 00:03:37,860 eventually got a Commodore 128, you know, eventually got a Tandy 1000 TX and all of that. 35 00:03:37,860 --> 00:03:43,400 So one part of me was all about the electronics and the computers and stuff like that. 36 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:49,780 There was another part of me, which I think is a creative side that just 37 00:03:49,780 --> 00:03:53,540 tries its damnedest to break out and was trying to do it at that time. 38 00:03:53,540 --> 00:04:01,520 I loved music. My dad was a musician. He played guitar and we had, we had a keyboard. I don't know 39 00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:07,700 if you would recall these things, but they were called a fun machine. It was a standard size 40 00:04:07,700 --> 00:04:16,520 keyboard that it was like the early synthesizers. Let's put it that way. You could make certain 41 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:22,980 selections and then you could hit a key and it would start like a drum beat and stuff like that. 42 00:04:22,980 --> 00:04:40,060 So it was it was a lot of fun. It was a lot of fun. And my dad, I forget which Christmas it was, had to be around 82 because it was before we had moved out of that old blockhouse into the double wide in 83 or 84. 43 00:04:40,060 --> 00:04:52,960 But there was this big fucking box and I'm thinking, what could this be? Right. And my dad kept playing with me and was like, well, it could be a robot or, you know, some bullshit like that. 44 00:04:52,980 --> 00:05:00,880 because we did have Heathkit, the Heathkit catalog, and they actually had the Hero 2000 45 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:06,540 and the Hero Junior that you could build as robotic kits. Long story short, it turned out to be a 46 00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:14,980 guitar. And I tried, I tried my damnedest to learn how to play a guitar. And as I'm sitting here in 47 00:05:14,980 --> 00:05:22,840 my office slash studio, I'm actually surrounded by one, two, three, at least five guitars in this 48 00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:31,240 room. And quite honestly, I think the one that my dad bought electric guitar years ago, it's the 49 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:37,140 oldest one, I think, or the next oldest one, but it's this baby powder blue electric guitar. 50 00:05:37,140 --> 00:05:45,980 And it's got these switches that you can push to make it sound differently. And I went to try 51 00:05:45,980 --> 00:05:51,100 to find online a couple of years ago. I thought about selling it. I thought about selling all of 52 00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:59,780 these. And I believe that guitar is worth somewhere between three and $5,000 now, I think. I haven't 53 00:05:59,780 --> 00:06:04,300 taken it to a pawn shop, especially around here, because I don't think they know what the fuck 54 00:06:04,300 --> 00:06:09,760 they're looking at. But I'd need to take it to somebody that knows guitars and say, hey, 55 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:15,900 how much is this worth? And of course, when I started talking about the potential of selling it, 56 00:06:15,900 --> 00:06:20,560 my oldest son is like, well, I'd like for you to keep it. I'd like to have it. Of course, 57 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:25,500 He has no way of, you know, he lives in San Francisco right now with his significant other 58 00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:29,200 and their storage space is almost nothing. 59 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:38,280 And so anyway, I say all of that to say this, part of something that I've always wished that 60 00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:45,580 my mom had pushed on me and apparently I fought back on was I wanted to learn, I wish I had 61 00:06:45,580 --> 00:06:53,300 learn the piano because I took up at a very early age, I took up touch typing. At one point I could 62 00:06:53,300 --> 00:06:59,860 type 105 minutes, 105 words a minute rather, quite easily. They wanted me to go into competitions 63 00:06:59,860 --> 00:07:06,080 and I was a pussy. I was like, hell no, you know, I'll freeze up. I'll make the school look bad. 64 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:13,260 I'm not doing that. So I never did. And I feel like that if I had taken the time and really put 65 00:07:13,260 --> 00:07:18,780 my mind to it and done the effort, I could have learned how to read music. I could have learned 66 00:07:18,780 --> 00:07:24,800 to play a piano. And there would have been this creative outlet that would have allowed me to 67 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:32,360 really express my feelings and quite possibly could have prevented me from going so heavy and 68 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:39,780 hard into alcohol. But then again, music and alcohol and drugs are kind of like joined at the 69 00:07:39,780 --> 00:07:45,220 hip, right? So I don't know, could have made things worse for all I know. Well, now we have 70 00:07:45,220 --> 00:07:51,080 advancements in artificial intelligence. And there's, I know there's a lot of people out there 71 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:57,080 that will give me shit for this because it's taking away from the artist and things like that. 72 00:07:57,080 --> 00:08:04,440 And trust me, I get it. I do get it. I'm, you know, for those of us in the IT industry, 73 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:08,660 especially those that run MSP style businesses, which is what I am. 74 00:08:08,660 --> 00:08:17,100 We are constantly looking at how AI could potentially just do away with the need for our services, right? 75 00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:23,060 Larger corporations out there offering, you know, here's a piece of software, download, 76 00:08:23,060 --> 00:08:28,680 it'll diagnose everything that's wrong with your computer, and then it'll fix it for you. 77 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:29,960 Well, that's what we do. 78 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:37,800 And quite honestly, me and my cohort, if you will, you know, we run two independent companies. 79 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:39,880 We don't compete against each other. 80 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:41,500 We do the same thing and we help each other. 81 00:08:41,500 --> 00:08:43,900 We just haven't merged our companies yet. 82 00:08:43,900 --> 00:08:45,860 Something that we keep bouncing around. 83 00:08:45,860 --> 00:08:52,040 But we're also using artificial intelligence in our day-to-day business. 84 00:08:52,040 --> 00:09:01,720 We're both building our own MSP dashboards so that one day we can stop paying these companies like Datto and Enable and all of that. 85 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:14,000 But another thing that I've started playing around with, of course, is, you know, AI can can make really good images now, can make really good videos now and music. 86 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:33,380 One such service is Suno. And I've been working on this other little project because there's a bunch of damn streams on YouTube, especially for Halloween, that have these videos that constantly loop and they've got this nice jaunty or macabre style music behind it. 87 00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:38,540 And so, you know, this week I started playing around with that kind of stuff and thought it would be fun. 88 00:09:38,540 --> 00:09:41,740 And so far, the results have been pretty good. 89 00:09:41,740 --> 00:09:45,880 And I've been using Suno to make some of the Halloween music. 90 00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:55,240 And then this morning, because this is more of a personal thing, and this podcast is kind of a raw inside view of me sometimes. 91 00:09:55,240 --> 00:10:00,080 I was like, okay, this is something that I've been feeling. 92 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:01,800 I've not been able to convey it. 93 00:10:01,980 --> 00:10:08,240 can't, I can't get it out there. And I like to think that I'm a pretty decent writer. I've 94 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:15,160 actually published two books in my lifetime. They were back in 2012. If you're listening 95 00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:19,560 to this podcast and you want a copy of either one, I'll send you the PDF because it's been 96 00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:24,880 so long. I'm never going to make any money off of them. One is, was a how-to for podcasting 97 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:30,680 when I first started out. So it's really, really, really dated. And the other one was 98 00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:41,000 a fictional story, almost therapy, if you will, that I wrote after I was let go in 2012 99 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:50,100 from a job, my dream job, one where I was making $72,000 a year in 2012 in South Georgia. 100 00:10:50,100 --> 00:10:56,960 And suddenly I was faced with a what the fuck moment because I figured I was going to retire 101 00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:05,880 with this company. So anyway, I keep trying to write and I don't know, I keep getting writer's 102 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:12,420 block or whatever. So this morning, I just sat down with ChatGPT and I said, look, here's the 103 00:11:12,420 --> 00:11:23,120 message that I want to convey in a song. Can you help me write lyrics and a prompt for Suno? 104 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:25,720 And actually, I didn't ask it for the prompt. 105 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:34,960 It gave it to me because I told it that I was I was wanting to write lyrics so that I could create a song or two in Suno. 106 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:41,280 So ChatGPT said, I got your back, gave me some lyrics, gave me a prompt. 107 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:42,400 I read through the lyrics. 108 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,660 Honestly, they were fucking good as far as I could tell. 109 00:11:45,660 --> 00:11:48,140 I could probably tweak it here and there. 110 00:11:48,140 --> 00:11:51,300 But I was like, this is a proof of concept for me. 111 00:11:51,860 --> 00:12:01,260 And so I took the prompt, I took the lyrics, and it generated, Asuna generated two songs. 112 00:12:01,260 --> 00:12:10,220 And then ChatGPT was like, now, if you want something a little darker or what have you, I said, sure, let me see what you got. 113 00:12:10,220 --> 00:12:13,080 And so then I generated two more songs. 114 00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:33,020 And I got to tell you, you know, I don't know about you, but I'm I'm one of these people that certain certain songs, honestly, whether they've got lyrics in them or not, will elicit an emotional response from me because, you know, I don't consider myself an emotional person, honestly. 115 00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:46,840 But, you know, and that's one of the things I noticed that whenever I would imbibe, whatever was blocking those emotions, whatever that gate was, whatever that locked door was, would suddenly just come crashing open, right? 116 00:12:47,440 --> 00:13:00,240 And I mean, there were there were times that I would just turn into a fucking puddle of tears for no apparent reason, whether I felt like the world was just crashing into me. 117 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:03,440 There was no hope, no future, whatever it was. 118 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:23,100 And even after, you know, not having had a drop of alcohol for over three years now, there's certain movies, especially with the with with the musical score that I'll just I'll well up and, you know, just stop short of a good old cry, as they say. 119 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:28,660 And so I've got to admit, you know, I didn't I didn't do the music. 120 00:13:28,660 --> 00:13:38,220 I honestly did not write the lyrics, but this is what I keep trying to tell people that this is this is what I view AI as now. 121 00:13:38,220 --> 00:14:00,900 I may have mentioned this on a previous episode of the Book of Donovan, but I view the way we can interact and use artificial intelligence to help us either in our business lives or our day to day personal lives or just our creative sides of our lives is the way they use the computer in Star Trek like TNG. 122 00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:14,480 Geordi and Data knew what it was that they wanted to build, knew what it was that they wanted to fix, and so they utilized the computer to build the pieces and the parts and put it all together. 123 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:34,880 And the thing that you need to keep in mind is they may not, well, data probably could, but Jordy would not necessarily have the expertise to build the widget, but he knew enough to be able to tell the computer, build this widget and this widget needs to do X. 124 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:46,740 And that's the way I view AI now, that you may think I'm being naive and that's fine, but that's the way I approach it today. 125 00:14:46,740 --> 00:15:00,740 And so what I wanted to do with this episode is attach these two songs after I'm done running my mouth and just, you know, just listen. 126 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:16,020 Give me feedback if you want and know that if I could play the music and I could have written these lyrics, this is pretty damn close to what I would have done based on the way I was feeling this morning. 127 00:15:16,020 --> 00:15:20,140 So anyway, I'm going to get off here. 128 00:15:20,140 --> 00:15:24,100 Stop jabbering on about the two songs. 129 00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:26,340 I'm going to attach them at the end of this. 130 00:15:26,340 --> 00:15:27,540 I hope you enjoy them. 131 00:15:27,540 --> 00:15:29,400 Maybe they'll bring a tear to your eye. 132 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:34,320 Maybe they'll touch some part of you that is feeling the same way I am. 133 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:41,180 You know, I'm a 56-year-old man that's coming up, you know, May of next year being married 37 years. 134 00:15:41,180 --> 00:15:45,180 And these long-term marriages can be tough. 135 00:15:45,180 --> 00:15:46,120 That's all I'll say. 136 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:48,280 Other than the fact that I love my wife. 137 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:52,760 Don't ever let that go without saying, I love my wife. 138 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:59,580 which is the reason why I felt like it was so important to try to get these songs created 139 00:15:59,580 --> 00:16:07,340 this morning. And then the results I was astonished by. I don't know. Maybe my bar is low. 140 00:16:07,340 --> 00:16:14,740 You be the judge. Anyway, that's it for now. Take care of yourselves. And here are those songs. 141 00:16:14,740 --> 00:16:19,680 Oh, I almost forgot to tell you the names of the damn things. The first one you'll be listening to 142 00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:29,060 is called Still Got a Heart and the second one is How Long Can a Good Man Hold On. Okay, now to the songs. 143 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:56,000 We built a life from sweat and tears My silence fills up all the space we used to use 144 00:16:56,000 --> 00:17:02,040 I put the bottle down for good Left those old demons where they lay 145 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:10,800 I did the things I knew I should Funny how the good man still gets lost along the way 146 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:17,760 I thought giving up the things that hurt me Might give me back the man I used to be 147 00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:21,780 But these days I don't feel much of anything 148 00:17:21,780 --> 00:17:24,500 And that's the part that scares me 149 00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:26,920 I just wanna be happy 150 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:30,680 I just wanna feel alive 151 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:37,600 I want somebody to reach for me like they did once upon a time 152 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:42,080 I don't need another young man's life 153 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:45,740 Don't need to turn back thirty years 154 00:17:45,740 --> 00:17:49,580 I just want something left inside me 155 00:17:49,580 --> 00:17:52,420 That can still feel something here 156 00:17:52,420 --> 00:17:55,240 God, I don't need much 157 00:17:55,240 --> 00:18:01,900 I just wanna be happy 158 00:18:01,900 --> 00:18:10,060 There's a mortgage on the kitchen table 159 00:18:10,060 --> 00:18:13,360 Power bill and groceries in a stack 160 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:17,260 Everybody knows that I'll be able 161 00:18:17,260 --> 00:18:21,000 So everybody lays another something on my back 162 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:24,440 And I carry it, cause that's what I do 163 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:28,200 Keep the lights on, keep the whole damn thing afloat 164 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:31,440 Then I hate myself for keeping score 165 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:34,920 When I know there's men out there with nothing left at all 166 00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:38,340 I got a roof, I got a family 167 00:18:38,340 --> 00:18:41,460 I got more than some men ever see 168 00:18:41,460 --> 00:18:45,520 So what kind of bastard looks around at all of this 169 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:48,500 And asks, what about me? 170 00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:50,580 I just wanna be happy 171 00:18:50,580 --> 00:18:54,280 I just wanna feel alive 172 00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:57,840 I want somebody to reach for me 173 00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:01,320 Like they did once upon a time 174 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:05,780 I don't need another young man's life 175 00:19:05,780 --> 00:19:09,300 Don't need to turn back 30 years 176 00:19:09,300 --> 00:19:13,180 I just want something left inside me 177 00:19:13,180 --> 00:19:16,020 That can still feel something here 178 00:19:16,020 --> 00:19:18,840 God, I don't need much 179 00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:25,380 I just wanna be happy 180 00:19:25,380 --> 00:19:30,560 There was a time she'd look across the room 181 00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:33,560 And I knew exactly what that look would mean 182 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:37,240 Now I could disappear beside her 183 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:40,480 And I wonder if she'd notice I had gone unseen 184 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:44,120 I'm still here, and I'm still faithful 185 00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:47,540 Even when temptation whispers low 186 00:19:47,540 --> 00:19:51,080 But honor gets a little heavier 187 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:55,100 When you're starving for the touch you used to know 188 00:19:55,100 --> 00:19:59,660 And I'm not asking for perfection 189 00:19:59,660 --> 00:20:03,360 I'm not asking her to save my life 190 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:06,940 I just want to know she still can see me 191 00:20:06,940 --> 00:20:11,000 There's something more than the man who makes things right 192 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,620 More than the paycheck and the problem solved 193 00:20:13,620 --> 00:20:17,220 More than the one who's always standing strong 194 00:20:17,220 --> 00:20:20,960 I wanna lay these shoulders down beside her 195 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,320 And feel like somewhere I still belong 196 00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:26,000 Cause time ain't waiting 197 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:29,600 Neither am I getting young 198 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:34,340 There's fewer summers out in front of me 199 00:20:34,340 --> 00:20:38,180 Then all the one's already gone 200 00:20:38,180 --> 00:20:40,820 And I don't want another woman 201 00:20:40,820 --> 00:20:44,700 I want the woman who wanted me 202 00:20:44,700 --> 00:20:48,600 I want the two of us from years ago 203 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:52,000 Or whoever we still have time to be 204 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:55,860 I just want to be happy 205 00:20:55,860 --> 00:20:59,280 I just want to feel alive 206 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:04,360 I want her hand to reach across that bed 207 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:07,660 And remind me I'm still on her mind 208 00:21:07,660 --> 00:21:11,460 I don't need to chase my younger days 209 00:21:11,460 --> 00:21:14,440 And drown myself to disappear 210 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:18,440 I fought too hard to get this far 211 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:21,960 Just to go numb standing here 212 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:25,420 I wanna laugh until it hurts again 213 00:21:25,420 --> 00:21:28,960 Wanna wake up wanting one more day 214 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:32,460 I want to look at everything I've built 215 00:21:32,460 --> 00:21:36,160 And I'd wonder why I feel this way 216 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:38,760 I don't need much 217 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:44,620 I don't need everything 218 00:21:44,620 --> 00:21:52,720 I just want to feel something 219 00:21:56,720 --> 00:22:00,500 I just want to be happy 220 00:22:00,500 --> 00:22:08,720 Coming up on 40 years 221 00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:11,620 Still sleeping in the same old room 222 00:22:11,620 --> 00:22:15,220 I'm not ready to call this living 223 00:22:15,220 --> 00:22:19,320 If living means I've got nothing left to lose 224 00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:22,840 So if there's still a fire between us 225 00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:26,220 Even one small ember in the dark 226 00:22:26,220 --> 00:22:28,440 Come a little closer 227 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:32,900 And remind me 228 00:22:32,900 --> 00:22:35,760 I've still got a heart 229 00:22:56,220 --> 00:23:08,860 I gave up drinking, gave up running 230 00:23:08,860 --> 00:23:12,300 Gave up nights I couldn't remember 231 00:23:12,300 --> 00:23:16,120 I buried every selfish habit 232 00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:19,860 That ever burned the ones I loved 233 00:23:19,860 --> 00:23:23,560 I learned to wake up clear each morning 234 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:26,880 Learned there's debts a man should pay 235 00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:30,700 I thought becoming someone better 236 00:23:30,700 --> 00:23:34,140 Would make me happier someday 237 00:23:34,140 --> 00:23:38,180 But the house is quiet after midnight 238 00:23:38,180 --> 00:23:41,620 And she's sleeping inches from my skin 239 00:23:41,620 --> 00:23:45,360 Funny how a bed can hold two people 240 00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:49,600 And still feel empty as it's ever been 241 00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:56,480 How long can a good man hold on 242 00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:59,840 When holding on is all he's got 243 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:03,580 How long can you live without being wanted 244 00:24:03,580 --> 00:24:07,080 Before you start wanting what you should not 245 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:10,820 I don't want somebody else's woman 246 00:24:10,820 --> 00:24:14,560 I don't want to tear this whole thing down 247 00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:18,700 But I'm scared one day somebody might see me 248 00:24:18,700 --> 00:24:21,660 And I've forgotten what it's like to be found 249 00:24:21,660 --> 00:24:27,740 I've been strong for everybody for so damn long 250 00:24:27,740 --> 00:24:34,460 Tell me how long can a good man hold on 251 00:24:34,460 --> 00:24:43,560 I keep the mortgage paid on Friday 252 00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:47,180 Keep the groceries in the fridge 253 00:24:47,180 --> 00:24:51,340 Keep the water hot, the lights on 254 00:24:51,340 --> 00:24:54,660 Keep repairing every broken thing there is 255 00:24:54,660 --> 00:24:58,720 If somebody needs it, I will handle it 256 00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:01,900 That's the role I've always played 257 00:25:01,900 --> 00:25:05,500 Somewhere I became the answer 258 00:25:05,500 --> 00:25:08,800 To every problem anybody ever made 259 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:12,680 And I know that sounds ungrateful 260 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:16,540 Hell, I've called myself much worse 261 00:25:16,540 --> 00:25:19,940 I got a home and I've got people 262 00:25:19,940 --> 00:25:23,720 Who'd probably say that I've been blessed 263 00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,860 But blessings don't make loneliness disappear 264 00:25:26,860 --> 00:25:30,740 And gratitude can't make you whole 265 00:25:30,740 --> 00:25:35,020 Sometimes having everything you're supposed to want 266 00:25:35,020 --> 00:25:38,200 Makes the emptiness harder to explain 267 00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:41,920 How long can a good man hold on 268 00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:45,300 When holding on is all he's got 269 00:25:45,300 --> 00:25:49,060 How long can you live without being wanted 270 00:25:49,060 --> 00:25:52,520 Before you start wanting what you should not 271 00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:56,240 I don't want somebody else's woman 272 00:25:56,240 --> 00:26:00,180 I don't want some stranger in my arms 273 00:26:00,180 --> 00:26:03,680 I want the one who used to pull me closer 274 00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:06,900 Like losing me would break her heart 275 00:26:06,900 --> 00:26:10,560 I've been strong for everybody 276 00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:13,220 For so damn long 277 00:26:13,220 --> 00:26:20,140 Tell me how long can a good man hold on 278 00:26:20,140 --> 00:26:26,180 I'm old enough to know that passion changes 279 00:26:26,180 --> 00:26:29,080 Young enough to know I'm not quite dead 280 00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:33,500 And there's more to love than tangled sheets 281 00:26:33,500 --> 00:26:36,500 But there's more to marriage than sharing a bed 282 00:26:36,500 --> 00:26:40,020 I miss a hand upon my shoulder 283 00:26:40,020 --> 00:26:43,520 A kiss that isn't habit or goodbye 284 00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:47,340 I miss walking through the door and knowing 285 00:26:47,340 --> 00:26:50,740 There was someone glad that I'd arrived 286 00:26:50,740 --> 00:26:54,520 I miss being somebody's hungry 287 00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:58,040 God, that sounds selfish when it's set 288 00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:01,940 But I can't pretend I don't remember 289 00:27:01,940 --> 00:27:05,520 What it felt like to be wanted in that bed 290 00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:09,420 And maybe she has reasons 291 00:27:09,420 --> 00:27:12,580 Maybe there's hurt I never saw 292 00:27:12,580 --> 00:27:16,680 Maybe she's as lost inside this marriage 293 00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:20,080 As I've been feeling all along 294 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:23,740 But I can't fix what won't be spoken 295 00:27:23,740 --> 00:27:27,340 Can't rebuild what we won't name 296 00:27:27,340 --> 00:27:31,080 And every year the calendar gets shorter 297 00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:34,600 While every night feels just the same 298 00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:37,940 Sometimes I wonder what would happen 299 00:27:37,940 --> 00:27:41,580 If somebody looked at me that way 300 00:27:41,580 --> 00:27:45,480 If she laughed a little too long at something 301 00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:48,960 And found some reason she should stay 302 00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:52,960 Would I remember all my promises? 303 00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:56,260 Would I turn around and walk away? 304 00:27:56,260 --> 00:28:00,180 I like to think I know the answer 305 00:28:00,180 --> 00:28:04,560 But I'm more afraid of that question every day 306 00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:07,840 Cause I'm human, cause I'm lonely 307 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:11,380 Cause there's only so much time 308 00:28:11,380 --> 00:28:14,940 Because I spent half a lifetime being needed 309 00:28:14,940 --> 00:28:18,500 And somehow stopped being desired 310 00:28:18,500 --> 00:28:22,400 And I hate myself for thinking it 311 00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:25,740 Like wanting love makes me unkind 312 00:28:25,740 --> 00:28:29,400 But there's a difference between being faithful 313 00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:32,560 Slowly dying inside 314 00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:37,180 I don't want to leave her 315 00:28:37,180 --> 00:28:40,880 I don't want to betray her 316 00:28:40,880 --> 00:28:44,220 I don't want another life 317 00:28:44,220 --> 00:28:47,420 I want this life 318 00:28:47,420 --> 00:28:52,080 I just want to feel alive in it 319 00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:07,960 How long can a good man hold on 320 00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:11,100 When holding on is breaking him apart 321 00:29:11,100 --> 00:29:15,080 How long can he keep carrying everybody 322 00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:18,800 While nobody carries his heart 323 00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:22,040 I don't want somebody else's woman 324 00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:26,240 I want the woman I came home to all these years 325 00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:29,920 I want her to look at me and really see me 326 00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:33,700 Before there's nothing left of us but years 327 00:29:33,700 --> 00:29:37,160 Before resentment turns to anger 328 00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:41,020 Before loneliness turns wrong 329 00:29:41,020 --> 00:29:44,960 Before somebody else's kindness 330 00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:48,380 Feels like somewhere I belong 331 00:29:48,380 --> 00:29:52,200 I'm trying to be an honorable man 332 00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:56,380 But God, I'm tired of being strong 333 00:29:56,380 --> 00:29:58,360 So tell me 334 00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:04,880 How long can a good man hold on?